If you’ve ever been divorced, you may have had the thought that you would never go down THAT road again. The post-divorce path is riddled with self-doubt no matter how consciously you uncoupled and fantastically you’ve come to co-parent and accept all that comes with total life change for everyone you love most dearly.
The mere thought of getting remarried has left me feeling frozen-footed and anxious, afraid not only of commitment, but terrified of stepping into a contract in front of my children and modeling my humanness again should I find that it isn’t working out to my (or anyone’s) benefit.
I took a Virgoan approach when the conversations began, finding out why in the heck folks get married in the first place. I was freshly twenty-six when I got hitched the first time, Miles was born eight years later. The process of separation and divorce began when Ivy was still nursing. What the heck did I know about marriage if it could end after seventeen years?
I became a student of reasons to get married: reading every Elephant Journal, Oprah and Huffington Post article on why people take the plunge at all. I was astounded to discover how little I knew about the many purposes for tying the knot: religious, financial, spiritual, medical, taxes, property, for the kids, to please the elders, tradition, convention, mergers, to assuage insecurities, to impress their friends, because it’s what everyone does, to get sober, to “settle down”, to build a life together, to straighten out, and last but not least, for love and commitment.
Through establishing healthy communion with my man (twice divorced himself) and building our story together, it became increasingly apparent that we were in deep, and traveling some very rocky terrain together-our childhood stories, relationship stories, loss and trauma had left us warriors, and at the root level, loners.
Our togetherness is because of our sheer will to experience something beautiful and more significant than we could experience alone. We started constructing our ranch vision with the help of our families, we created parameters for step-parenting, we discussed nonstop what the impact of our union was having on the kids. We had to build in time for each other, and a commitment to valuing that time. He built strong ties with my ex, to my sheer amazement.
What I can see is that I am in awe of Sky. What he tells me is that he is in awe of me, and most often I choose to believe him.
The reason I’m forging through my fears is because when he asked me to marry him, my yes was present, but a bit wobbly. I knew I could, but I didn’t know how-how it would look, how I would feel, how we would overcome the obstacles, how we’d both learn being inside of a container… together. I still have only a small idea of how it will work out if my very biggest fears come true. We have a couple of dealbreakers. We honor each other, including our limits, fiercely protect the babes’ sacred preciousness and he stays sober. We had to create some rules around this thing that didn’t feel like fences, but more like insulation. We had to get inside of one bubble.
I asked him to ask me every day for a year, because I wanted to hear my fragile yes grow more confident, and I wanted him to demonstrate endurance in the face of my paralyzing uncertainty. He did exactly that, and he continues to ask me every night because now it’s a sweet and beautiful habit that we both giggle at and I sometimes pause to answer if he’s pissed me off during the day and I haven’t gotten over it yet. But I always say YES.
My YES grew strong. My faith in our ability to persevere as a unit has expanded as we’ve stewarded this land together and come to see how neither one of us could do it without the others’ care and love. Both of us are essential moving parts in the unfolding, and I’ve been able to see that this person who challenges me in so many ways as the teacher I called in, and it’s his work-worn, tattooed hands I want to be holding when the first of us crosses over into the next dimension.
I’m still afraid because I’m human. I’m still afraid because we both know that people can change, and that we will change. I’m afraid because I don’t know who we will be in twenty years. I’m still afraid because I’ve been down the marriage road before and watched one of us fork off left while the other steered right. I’m afraid because I am still growing my trust in life’s divine processes. And I’m going to do it anyway.
{Thank you to Stacy de la Rosa for seeing us through her lens}
I am in awe of both of you and all that you have created, together!! I have my weeping woman hanky out after reading this because it’s so beautiful and raw, and I can’t believe he asked you every day for a year…Karl never really asked me, we just kinda started planning because we had to be married for him to adopt the kids, and I keep hoping one of these years he’ll ask because I’d say YES!! 19 years of ups and downs, good and bad, and really crappy and super wonderful, I can’t imagine doing it with anyone else! Here’s to love, and being scared, and say yes anyway????
So beautiful as always. I have tears running down my cheeks. It is my 15th anniversary today and although it is my first marriage, your words ring true to my soul. We try every day to hold sacred our bond, honor each other and stay true to the work of living in love with hope and faith for the future. Infinite blessings to you as you light the way for us all.
Reading this got me all weepy. Thank you for sharing your fears and vulnerabilities. I wish you and that hard working honey of yours the most abundant blessings. May you always have each others back. Xo
Oh my goodness Pixie… this made me with cry with happiness for you… and gave me so much hope. Thank you for sharing it. Honoring your yes… in all its complexity. So proud of you. I’m in awe of you too.
Eeeep! Wowzers. So much beauty and love and vulnerability here. Thank you for modeling your authentic heart and journey. Love you.
This cracks my heart wide open! Witnessing you as your warrior yet vulnerable self… with great joy. So many good things necessitate a risk; a long look, and then a leap, eyes wide open for the wild and wonderful experience that ensues! Honoring your truth and your beautiful future together. Please give Skye my warm congratulations! Kxx
Beautiful–my heart is dancing reading this! Saying a little prayer for the both of you, for the trust you both are nurturing and cultivating, for the wonder of yes…Wishing you so much sweetness!
tears….
sniff sniff
I love you both deeply and in awe of each of you as individual humans and both of you as a couple
as an observer, you are the real deal…all of it…a real fairy tale with all that goes with it
blessings to you both
you got this
love and light
xox
I love you and your inquiry and mostly your willingness to love and love again, in truth, trust and the telling of tales. Couldn’t be happier for you, woman. xx
I still remember thinking (and saying out loud on more than one occasion) that I would never get married again. Too complex, too contained, too old- fashioned, too restrictive, too muddled, too . . . you get the idea. But then I met Maya and she stopped me in my tracks and pushed up against every “too” I had built around my heart and I took that impossible leap despite every terrifying possibility. And when we did we wrote promises to each other that were nothing like the traditional promises I made that first time around: no forever, no til-death-do-us, no richer or poorer. But instead, we made promises to leave ego out of it, to take risks, to open doors, to communicate consistently, to try harder, to be more brave. Promises to land softly, to forgive quickly, and to give wholly. I’ve seen you and the cowboy. I’ve witnessed your fear. And I’ve heard your fragile yes get louder. I’m so glad you’re leaping anyway. The only “too” I know now is that life is too short to let fear take the lead. I love you. I love the cowboy. I love that you and Miles and Ivy are flinging yourselves into the unknown anyway.
Awrooo thanks for sharing your example and a glimpse into your life. Love it!!!
Beautiful words, Pixie! As a mother who has been divorced and remarried, I connect with so much of what you have written. Much love to you, much love to your man, much love to your children, and much much love to the beautiful years ahead of you. xoxo Michelle
Such beautiful words Pixie. I feel your fear and salute you for marching through it. Wishing you, Sky, Miles and Ivy every happiness. xx
Lisa
I love this. The honesty and respect I hear flooding through. I think you are both incredible. Beaming in Big Love around your partnership and committment.
Blessings of beauty & mystery,
Cat xo
Pixie,
I am so excited for you and Sky. You’ve built something so beautiful and every step of your journey has prepared you for this. The heart knows the way.
I, too, have walked this path and both my husband and I were married before. It is through much communication, trust, and supporting one another that we have had 9 solid years of marriage and are more in love than ever…we have our days…as we are both step parents…and life can be stressful…but we hold each other sacred and here we are more than a decade later, amazed daily at what we’ve built.
Long live love.
Susan
Your words bring tears to my eyes as I reflect on those same fears and feelings hidden in my own inner world. Thank you for spilling your vulnerability and humility onto the page.
I love you both xx
((Tears)) Beautiful!! Thank you for sharing! And wishing you so many years of love and beauty together!
simply beautiful. blessings and love for your union and life together.