On Being Ready

Prayers of Honoring went to Amazon today. Suffice it to say, I felt all of the following:

• Anxiety
• Discomfort
• Fear
• Loss of control
• Unreadiness
• Ill
• Lightheaded
• Sweaty
• Uncharacteristically humorless
• Maniacal
• Restless
• Fatigued
• Frustrated
• Toddlerish

And more. Here’s what I said to myself in response while trying not to have a terribly buck-up tone:

“Anxiety is necessary. You are creative, it comes with the territory. Anxiety is one of those things which plagues every creative you know. It’s one of those pars-for-the-course, showing up in physical and debilitating ways, threatening to derail our serenity and stop us in our tracks. It makes my head throb and my neck feel like it’s on the chopping block. Breathe. Get some oxygen to your brain. Allow the flow of what’s happening to happen without fighting.”

“Comfort is overrated. Even when it feels pinchy and awkwardly tight, and there can be no ease and grace, no rest, no complete satisfaction, you can withstand it. Think about how uncomfortable it must’ve been to be born or to get all of your teeth in. Or braces, remember braces? How you chewed ice nonstop on tightening day? You can do this.”

“What are you afraid is going to happen? Bad reviews?  That’s what it’s really about, that hideous starry review system. Remember hearing friends in theater talking about poor reviews and how it left many of them very sad? It makes all of us feel really vulnerable to hear criticism about what we pour our hearts into. You completely understand that this is a possibility and one you can live with.”

“Our motto (the royal we) is to Be Prepared. And yet we can’t be prepared for what will come which we have zero experience with. All you can do is connect to the eternal within you and seek out (regrettably lacking) language to describe such experiences. And honor what comes. When the eggs begin to crackle under your feathers, hop out of the way and go look for nourishment. They know how to do this.”

There have been a few tantrums, most of which I’ve kept private so as not to leak out on my precious people. Lost paragraphs that have to be re-written, which I find exhausting, hot flashes and sleeplessness. Growing bigger doesn’t at all mean growing wiser. The exposure to new elements is exactly that: experiential.

Here’s what I landed on which served me best moving through this channel:

I am creative. I am generative. This is a good book and it helps people. It was healing for you to write it. Let it be it’s own beautiful bird now.”

And so it is.